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i haven't written here in a year. Last summer i was beginning to feel better and there went this summer, the worst summer of my entire life.

that sounds kind of dramatic - but really, its true. It really has been the worst summer in my entire life. Perhaps i shouldn't have gotten off of my medication - but really what does that mean, that I can only be sane with meds?

my life is a mess just like my messy house. Do you know that I've been trying to clean here for 3 yrs now and yet my bedroom still contains my mothers things. Maybe thats what i can't deal with - my mother not being here anymore... i don't think ive accepted it yet. I think ive buried it in some weird spot in my head. I try not to think about her, i try not to remember her and it has all gone away - its like she never even existed. I can't even imagine her being here anymore. It sounds fucked up but i think its some kind of defense mechanism.

My life is boring. I just work and come home and do nothing. I have no desire to clean no desire to exercise no desire to live. Im a complete fat ass and everytime i try to do something about i stuff my face no more than two hours later.

I think about dying an average of 4 times a day and cut myself from time to time to make the mental pain into physical pain. Sometimes i think i do it to wonder if anyone will notice or care.
The only one i have in this world can only take so much of my crap and i feel so horrible for what he has to deal with. I think my "friends" hate me and really i don't like any of them anymore anyway. I can't relate to them at all.. and i don't think they can relate to me. I don't think anyone knows whats up with me anyway because im a complete fake. I live my live smiling through everything so no one really knows me.

i wonder if my life will forever be this disgusting. i can't go through a day without crying. Brian can't do anything or go anywhere because without him i have no one and am completely alone.

i feel like such a failure. I don't know in what direction i want my life to go in - i don't know what i want to do . I have nothing to look forward to and i really wish that one of these days it would all end.

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